


Cursed words

by scarletchidori



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Gen, Guilt, Hurt No Comfort, Loneliness, Mentions of Suicide, Self-Loathing, suicidal depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22806127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarletchidori/pseuds/scarletchidori
Summary: Futaba doesn’t say anything. She keeps looking at her plate and eating. She knows that she is being disrespectful, but after living with her uncle she’s afraid that Sojiro might treat her as he treated her, even though he has been nothing but kind to her.
Relationships: Sakura Futaba & Sakura Sojiro
Kudos: 35





	Cursed words

_“And you always walk alone_   
_You’re crying_   
_At night when_   
_Nobody else is home.”_   
_(P!nk - Conversation with my 13 old self)_

*

Every time she closes her eyes she sees her mother throwing herself into the streets. She can still see her mother when she breathed her last breath.

She lived with her uncle for a while, never sleeping on a proper bed, her dirty hair smelled so bad that her uncle would insult her every chance he had. Futaba never responded to his insults, she was too scared. Then out of nowhere Sojiro came and brought her to safety, permitting her to live with him and having her own room and a warm bed. Over time, he bought her a new computer, which gave her a chance to connect to the outside world- the one she feared so much that even thinking about getting out of her room gave her anxiety.

She spent months in her room, eating secretly during the night. Just as she did when she lived with her uncle, she ate a bit or two in secret, hoping he wouldn’t realize it. Slowly Futaba realized that Sojiro was not like his uncle. He cooked her rice curry, her mother’s favorite dish, and made sure to have her favorite foods in the house. Her favorite snacks and her favorite sweets.

He made sure she ate enough and over time she began to gain weight, and she looked healthier. But every time she looked in the mirror and looked at her dark hair, she felt like she wasn’t worthy of having them the same color as her mother.

Nothing would remind her that she was her mother’s daughter. The men dressed in black told her it was her fault that her mother died. They told her that she was a difficult, complicated child, and that her mother had decided to end it.

“Futaba,” Sojiro calls her “Can I come in? It’s time for lunch.”

“Sojiro,” she whispers softly “It’s Sojiro, not my uncle.”

“Can I come in?”.

“Yes.”

Sojiro enters the room, with a smile printed on his face. A worried smile. Unconsciously Futaba knows that Sojiro is worried about her.

“I made you a nice plate of curry rice,” he says “A big portion, just how you like it.”

“Thanks,” she whispers without looking at him.

“What is it?”, he asks “Do you want something different? Maybe I prepare the same things too often,” he mumbles worried to himself.

“I’d like to ask you something.”

“Of course,” he says smiling sincerely.

It is the first time that Futaba has asked Sojiro for anything. She hadn’t asked to have a computer, but Sojiro thought it would help her in some way.

It is a step forward.

“I’d like to dye my hair,” Futaba whispers softly.

“What color?”

“Orange,” she whispers “I like orange.”

“It would look great on you.”

She starts to eat. Sojiro’s curry is good and she only now realizes how hungry she is.

“You can buy everything you need on the internet, and maybe I’ll have to watch videos to figure out what I’m going to do.”

“What?”

“Well, you’ll need help,” he says “At least for the first time.”

“I wish…”

“What?”, Sojiro asks.

Futaba doesn’t say anything. She keeps looking at her plate and eating. She knows that she is being disrespectful, but after living with her uncle she’s afraid that Sojiro might treat her as he treated her, even though he has been nothing but kind to her.

“Do you want to dye them now?”, he asks “If you want I can go buy everything you need.”

Futaba nods, taking a small piece of paper out of her pocket and handing it to him.

“Is that everything you need? Are you sure?”

“Ye-yes.”

“Okay,” he nods “Can you stay alone for a while? I’ll be right back.”

“Sure.”

“Eat everything, okay? If you’re still hungry, there’s more curry in the kitchen.”

Futaba nods looking up at Sojiro who is smiling kindly at her. Her uncle never smiled at her, never treated her like a human being. She wasn’t allowed to bathe, and she slept on the cold floor.

“I’ll be back in a flash.”

Futaba finishes eating her curry and then she keeps watching her favorite anime while she waits for Sojiro to come back. Futaba knows that changing her hair wouldn’t make things easier but she wants to change. She looks like her mother, and having the same hair makes things more painful. She doesn’t know how much time she waits for him, but finally Sojiro comes back and opens her door with a bright smile.

“I’m back,” he says.

Futaba nods with a really faint smile on her lips. The operation is more complicated than necessary, but luckily thanks to some videos they manage to complete their ‘mission’. Futaba’s hair is orange, the color of the sunset. While looking in the mirror Futaba smiles, sincerely and openly, and although she cannot see him, Sojiro is also smiling.

Sakura Sojiro hopes that this is the turning point that he hoped and expected so much. It is undeniable that she now trusts him, and he hopes to be able to help her and save her, because he doesn’t want to lose her too.

***

January 20XX

Futaba wakes up suddenly. She is sure she had a bad dream, she could hear her mother, but despite trying really hard she could not see her.

“ _Futaba._ ”

How can she hear her mother’s voice? Futaba is awake, scared, she closes her eyes while she can still hear her mother calling her again and again.

“ _Futaba,_ ” she whispers again “ _Open your eyes._ ”

Futaba opens her eyes in fear, and she sees her mother for the first time since she died. She’s in front of her… near her bed.

“ _I wish you were never born,_ ” she whispers “ _That research was all my life and you ruined everything._ ”

“No, that’s not true,” she keeps whispering “Not true.”

“ _Sojiro will get tired of you,_ ” she whispers “ _He will regret taking care of you, spending all that money to give you those computers, he will abandon you as everyone did._ ”

Futaba feels tears running down her face as she closes her eyes.

“ _Cry, cry, cry,_ ” Wakaba says in a voice so different from what Futaba remembers “ _Crying is the only thing you can do._ ”

“Go away,” Futaba whispers covering her face “Leave me alone, go away.”

After a few minutes Futaba reopens her eyes and discovers she is alone again. She gets out of bed and turns on the computer, and starts writing.

When Sojiro wakes up and knocks on her door to give her breakfast, she doesn’t answer.

“Futaba?”, he calls her again “I’ll leave your breakfast near your door, okay?”

She doesn’t answer and she hears him sigh.

“ _I told you, didn’t I?_ ”, her mother’s whispers again “ _He will get tired of you, he will be sick of your whining very soon._ ”

She covers her ears crying desperately again. Her mother wants her dead, and she can’t blame her. She deserves to die for what she has done. Futaba starts to isolate herself even more, and sinks even deeper and deeper into her depression. Her mother occasionally speaks to her again, whispering poison-filled words. And Futaba believes everything she says, thinks back to the words those men had said to her despite knowing that she was already suffering. Futaba thinks she deserves death, her room will become her grave.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying my best to not make mistakes (English is not my first language) but if you see some mistakes please let me know! As always kudos are really appreciated, and if you want to let me know what you think.


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